Sunday, December 6, 2009

LOST:

One easy going, mellow, roll-with-the-punches, non-argumentative, non-objectionable, care-free, compliant 2 year old little boy. If found, please return as soon as possible in exchange for the 2 year old little boy who has seemingly discovered his own will overnight and has taken up residence in our home. While still cute and endearing at times, this particular boy has been known to drive his mother and father to the brinks of insanity with the following antics:
  • A dramatic refusal to wear any sort of winter attire. Despite the air temperature being no less than snot-freeze cold, this boy will scream bloody murder at the mere mention of his winter hat or mittens. He is also not afraid to make this view known in the public arena and does so with audible and physical gusto. It is probably not advisable to return to the neighborhood Home Depot after his most recent display this past Saturday.
  • A dramatic refusal to hold any one's hand while crossing the street or while navigating through a crowded, public place. While this objection is performed silently, it is no less frustrating for the caregiver. The boy--standing completely statuesque in one place, refusing to move a muscle, gluing his feet firmly to the ground--will stare intently in your direction with one of the most disgusted expressions that a 2 year old can muster, provide absolutely no acknowledgement that he has heard any of your one thousand frantic pleas coaxing him into cooperation, and will not surrender his charade until you sling him over your shoulder like a 32 pound sack of potatoes and lug him to your desired location.
  • A sudden dramatic refusal to eat anything that is offered to him other than cookies, crackers, mac and cheese, fruit snacks, ice cream, yogurt, or string cheese. If a food item that is green, organic, or not laden with sugar and carbohydrates should happen to make an appearance on his plate, the boy's response will be no less than a full-fledged melt down as he pushes his plate as far away as possible and mounts a temporary fast. The only known solution is to continue offering him the same exact plate of food whenever he expresses hunger. Despite the fact that it may take over 3.5 hours, he will eventually give in to his growling stomach and clean the entire plate.
  • An obsession with acquiring every single item that his sister shows even remote interest in. This includes, but is not limited to: a pink toothbrush, Disney princess stickers, all 8 Disney princess Barbie Dolls, the baby doll stroller, a camera, Disney princess tableware, and an H1N1 vaccination.
  • A refusal to allow anyone to change his diaper. Even though the entire population within a 3 mile radius of our home is painfully aware of the stench that often emits from his pants, the boy is happier to let the rancid mess squish between his buttocks than endure the necessary diaper change. A seemingly obvious solution to this problem would be toilet training. However, the boy has all of a sudden decided he does not want to sit on the potty, let alone do his business there.

Although at first this may not seem like a fair exchange, please be advised that you will momentarily forget all offenses when the boy requests "Map and Cheese" for dinner and says "Dank you, Mommy" when it makes an appearance on his plate or when he proclaims "MOMMY PUT YOU TO BED!" after his nightly bath and subsequently wriggles his way out of Daddy's arms into your own and refuses to let go. Also, his rendition of "Little Drummer Boy" is quite endearing. Lastly, he shows completely angelic behavior for approximately 11 hours each day....between 8 p.m. and 7 a.m.....when he is sound asleep.

6 comments:

Danielle & Vandenn said...

Great post! This one really made me laugh--although I haven't gone through that stage yet with Carson. Hope there's more moments of sweetness in the future.

lsalsa said...

So very nice to know that I'm not the only one!! The winter attire point, hit home as I dealt with the very same thing this morning.

Jen D said...

Danielle--I thought we were going to get to skip over this stage with Zach, but I was wrong...it just took him a little longer to get there. I'm sure you have a while before Carson reaches it :)

Ames said...

Oh my!!!

Michelle said...

Oh boy! Sounds like Zach and Faith have been secretly exchanging parent/sibling torturing ideas lately - although thankfully Faith has been relatively compliant in the winter gear compartment of late...(dare I say this now?) I love the positives you gave in the last paragraph though, esp. the 11 hours of bliss -ha ha!! Oh, I'll add one positive - he did great getting his diaper changed in the nursery on Sunday:)

Kari said...

Jen, this is fantastic! I totally understand what you are going thru with Zach, cause the same thing is starting to kick into gear with Eric! It was a 15+ minute fight to get his snow attire on, for the 20 minutes he was outside screaming and announcing to the world that he did not want to be outside...